Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”