Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
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doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no