Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

I think they could have phrased this better

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.