Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
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Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything