Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden
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When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.