Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden
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Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
meanwhile over on facebook
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.