Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain