Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

#math

Damn what did I do next

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

i will not be silenced

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?