Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos