Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

Home is where your toilet is.

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.