Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?