Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”