[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
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We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
#titanic