[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
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My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
all bases covered
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts