[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
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I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Cha-ching is my safe word
Saw online –
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman