*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
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friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend