*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.