Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…