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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Finally
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that