Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

HR said no more nunchucks.

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there