Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
