Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
The smoothest fall of all time
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
