Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

what the hell pray for carter everyone

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

Are these grass-fed oranges?

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

I only look at Wordle for the articles

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.