Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
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some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Yes
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”