@Gooooats

Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.

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@shutupmikeginn

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

@thenatewolf

J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.

@TheCatWhisprer

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

@Storminika

My mom keeps asking questions like ‘When you gonna be famous?’ I tell her, ‘As soon as they find the bodies.’

@Lhlodder

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.