[Satan pulls up in his cab]
Hurricanes should have scary names that instill a proper sense of alarm. Names like GOLTOG HARVESTER OF SOULS or Britni.
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A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
J.R.R. Tolkien invented an entire language for the elves but where the hobbits live is called Hobbiton.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Friend: What time is it?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My mom keeps asking questions like ‘When you gonna be famous?’ I tell her, ‘As soon as they find the bodies.’
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.