Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
You Might Also Like
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
(Jupiter –
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?