Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
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Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
So many pants.
So little yoga.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Oh deer
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
My dream car is a taco truck.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM