Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

When you “pspspsp” too hard

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside