Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.