Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.