Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
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I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.