Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
THE AUDACITY. 😤
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Oceanography is all about current events
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
