Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
