Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
