Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

At least my masseuse has my back.

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

uh oh

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

his wife is probably gonna see that

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank