HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
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Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.