Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser