Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

Me: What’s your favorite book?

Date: War and Peace

Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife