Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

It kinda feels like this rn

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.