Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Easy enough.

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good