Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
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Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.