Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.