Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
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We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.