Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.