*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
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date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Grandpa
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism