*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
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A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness