Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.