Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
You Might Also Like
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
shakira sharkira
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
*pronounces surface like Versace*