Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

he chose this

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

NOT all policemen are strippers.

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”