Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
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Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.