Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.