Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”