Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
You Might Also Like
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man