Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.