Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.