Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job