Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

what does he know…

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

some cats are just doing for fun!

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.