Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

What a website

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.