Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

the Monday after daylight savings

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000