I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
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I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.