Husband: are you cooking something?
Me: of course not
Husband: the oven timer just went off
Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer

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“What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?” Officer, “Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”


I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!


Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”


Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.


[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?


“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.


“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.


I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.


Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.