(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
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somebody come look at this
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*