Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
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Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Tapped in
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
what’s really going on
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”