Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
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Name this drama.
Weirdly Wednesday.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.