Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

i think both sides are to blame here

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

How do you milk an almond?

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.