Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”

It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

two people or more is called a problem

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.