Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

Nice try Hitler

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.