Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

Swedish for common sense.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link