Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

you know what ruined my childhood? children

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons