Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
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Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
How wrong was this guy?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
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