Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
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A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.