Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
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Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt