Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
You Might Also Like
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
God, I love Scotland
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Most Common Source of Electricity
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.