Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

don’t message me unless you have this energy

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

Let’s Go

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

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