Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
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There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.