Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

Brother?

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!