Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

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if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*