Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
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If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?